Sexual violence is preventable. The first step to prevention is understanding why it happens in the first place. There is a lot of evidence to suggest that harmful social norms and oppressive structures contribute to sexual violence. If a society works together to eliminate these then sexual assaults can be prevented. A big first step to preventing sexual violence is understanding the root causes of sexual violence. We can promote healthy relationships and change harmful social norms to drastically reduce the occurrence and impact of sexual violence.

Sometimes people use degrading language when they think it won’t hurt anyone. For example, people use slurs against oppressed groups in a joking manner when they have friends or acquaintances who are part of that group, or when there’s no one from that group around to hear it. Truth is, racist, sexist, and homophobic language contributes to society’s attitudes towards those marginalized groups regardless of your intentions. Regardless of the intent of degrading language, the impact of such language does degrade people.

Every relationship is different, and there’s no “one-size-fits-all” model. However, sexuality is fluid for many people. Desires and boundaries may change and evolve over time – just because my partner was into something last week or last hour, it’s important that I don’t assume they’re game for that activity every time. Open, honest, and frequent lines of communication are important for healthy sexual relationships. See some of the tools in the Bold Moves section for tips on communicating with sexual and romantic partners. 

In the mainstream American culture, messages about sexual and sexuality are confusing ranging from expectation for “purity” to oversexualized media. Each person’s sexuality is a very complex part of life and individuals’ identities. As most people do not fit into the cultural expectations, many people feel shame, guilt, or that their sexual desire or expression is fundamentally bad. This shame prevents people from doing what is right for themselves sexually and taboos around sex and sexuality prevent people from having open and honest communication about it.

When someone says, “Stop acting like a girl,” they are usually referring to behavior that they perceive as overly sensitive, dramatic, or unreasonable. This message conveys two stereotypes: that all women possess the same characteristics and that emotions denote weakness.  While women and girls often feel proud to be considered a “tomboy” or “one of the guys,” calling out a man for “acting like a girl” is intended to be shameful and embarrassing. People internalize these messages, and it contributes to a culture that values cis boys and men more than other genders.

Sexual assault often has a ripple effect in a person’s life, which means not only are they impacted but friends/family, communities and society are impacted as well. Everyone is different, and while there no one pattern of response following a sexual assault, many people struggle with resuming normal day-to-day activities and relationships. As members of society, we internalize all the messages we hear about sexual assault growing up, so victim/survivors often feel fear, guilt, and self-blame. Many do not seek support due to the fear of being judged or disbelieved which may lead to long term negative health effects.

It’s important to ask for consent every single. time. Every time sexual activity is on the table, even if it’s cuddling or kissing, getting consent is step number one. Even if they’ve said yes before. Even if you know them really well. Sometimes people are resistant to asking for consent because they think it’s “awkward” or it “kills the mood.” The reality is, there is a ton of info out there about how to ask for consent in ways that feel natural, or even sexy. For example, check out this article about 35 Sexy Ways to Ask for Consent. 

If someone is intoxicated, then they can’t consent to sexual activity. Sex is usually better for the people involved if they’re sober enough to feel alert. Plus, isn’t it better to know that the other person really wants to be there? If potential sexual partners are just getting to know each other, it’s generally a good idea to stay sober because drugs and alcohol affect the ability for people to communicate clearly about limits and desires. On the flip side, using substances to convince someone to engage in sexual activity is never okay. 

If you look it up online, there are hundreds of videos and articles claiming to give viewers and readers the answer to this question. The truth is, everyone is different, and aside from open communication, there is really no way to tell. Sometimes people will emulate the behaviors they see in movies or porn just because they think they’re supposed to. A disengaged partner might just be tired, or might be having a dissociative trauma response. This is why it’s important to check-in verbally before, during, and after sexual activity. Does a partner look uneasy or disinterested? Ask. Does a partner look like they’re having the time of their life? Still ask.

Assumptions are often made about all genders, and the outcomes can be very harmful. While cis men and women are usually boxed into rigid gender roles, trans/gender nonconforming people often find their gender identity disregarded entirely. At the very least, this causes a lot of confusion, sadness and discomfort for people who don’t fit into a neat little box. At worst, it contributes to high rates of suicide among trans people and perpetuates sexual violence against marginalized genders.   

If we have conversations about consent early and often, that may actually help prevent sexual abuse and even sexual violence later in life. Those early conversations do not have to name sex violence. For example, it is helpful for very young children to have conversations around body parts, boundaries and saying “no” (rather than explicitly talking about sexual assault) which will help young people feel more comfortable broaching these topics with a partner if/when they become sexually active.